Planet Dutch

A recent episode of HBO's Real Sports featured a piece on Darren "Dutch" Daulton. The teaser featured a handsome Dutch pressing the flesh during a Grapefruit League game, little did I know that this was far from a baseball piece.

Twelve years removed from his playing days, Dutch still looks like he could strap on the tools, call a game and somewhere in between go yard. Like most retired ball players, Dutch is in the process of writing a book. Unlike most ball players, Dutch's book has nothing to do with his all-star career. His is a story of meta-physics and conversations with little green men on the beach.

During a taped interview, Dutch spoke to correspondent Mary Carillo in detail about his many out-of-body experiences. He spoke about many travels through time and space, his numerous conversations with lizards, and if that wasn't strange enough he spoke about his daily battles against dark and demonic forces.

Wow, what a shame! What a shame that a man who was once at the helm of a pennant winning club seems to be out to lunch. By no means a piker during his playing days, Dutch was a respected ball player more so, a respected leader. Having shared the club house with the likes of Nails, Kruky and Wild-Thing Williams one would imagine that you have to be a little off the chart. Dutch isn't off the chart, he's off the map!

Since hanging 'em up, Dutch has been through two divorces, been brought up on domestic violence charges, done time and to top it off, claims to have blown the $25 million he made while crushing the pill. Dutch, get help. You once did the impossible in endearing yourself to Philly-fan. If you choose to do so, you can get through this as well. Many of us once thought that you'd go on to steer a club. From the looks of things you might be more interested in steering the Enterprise.

As a caring fan, I offer the following advice:

• Check out of K-Pax and check into AA
• The tan looks good enough, get off your can and get a job
• Stop being a dead-beat dad
• In the morning rinse with mouth wash not vodka
• Try cream in your coffee instead of whisky
• There is an actual human being under the Fanatic costume
• Star Trek was just a campy tv show, not a way of life
• Finally, remind yourself are Dutch Daulton not Captain Kirk